It’s a relief to hear that newlyweds Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are already having problems in the bedroom, because the last thing we need is a Speidi spawn.

When the pair appeared on “The View” today, Pratt revealed he’s been avoiding sex with his wife because he’s afraid she’ll get pregnant. Aren’t there better ways to do that?  Pratt claimed, “She [says] she is not going to tell me she is going to go off her birth control.”

Wifey Heidi stated she wanted babies “sooner than later,” because “My mom was a young mom,” despite her husband’s insistence that he doesn’t want any. Of course, given Spencer’s level of maturity, he wants to be the pampered baby in this relationship.

They’re baaaaack! Just when we hoped the dirty duo of Spencer and Heidi Pratt were off the island for good, they just keep hanging around like a bad case of crabs.

Stories about whether “The Hills” pair are in or out on ”I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!” have been circulating all day, but late afternoon brought the bad news, via the L.A. Times. Despite that elaborate ruse at LAX last night, the gruesome twosome is still in Costa Rica—and worse yet, still on the show.

NBC executive vice president of alternative programming Paul Telegdy told the Times that the pair would face a  ”jungle-based purgatory challenge in which they will have to spend the night in solitary confinement” in order to be allowed back on the show. While the thought of seeing these two in purgatory is mildly interesting, I’d rather see them do something really challenging, like try not to whine for 24 hours. 

Shouldn’t Heidi automatically be a goner this week, since the viewers had the chance to vote for the ladies last night, but her name wasn’t even in the running? But this is a “reality” series, so you never know what will happen. Except, of course, that the network and producers will do anything for ratings.

The least-anticipated show of the summer makes its debut tonight at 8 pm. In case you’ve been trying to forget, 11 D-list famehos celebrities will fight to extend their 15 minutes on the NBC series “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!”

NBC tried to make the motley group of had-beens and never-weres sound interesting with this tidbit from their press release: 

Heading into the jungle to compete in the wild are: actor Stephen Baldwin (”The Usual Suspects”), Patti Blagojevich (wife of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich), supermodel and television star Janice Dickinson (”America’s Next Top Model,” “The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency”), multi-talented actor Lou Diamond Phillips (”La Bamba,” “Stand and Deliver”), 2007 “American Idol” contestant Sanjaya Malakar, Spencer and Heidi Pratt (stars of MTV’s “The Hills”), NBA great and television personality John Salley (”Best Damn Sports Show Period”), WWE wrestler and beauty queen Torrie Wilson — and comedy duo (and real life best friends) Frances Callier and Angela V. Shelton, also known as “Frangela.”

With this list, it’s not so much a question of who you’d like to have win, but rather which one you’d rather see get eaten by a wild animal, or develop an incurable case of jungle rot. Since there are reports that Speidi have already tried to quit twice in two days, the pair don’t seem likely to make it to the finals. But they should be good for a few laughs as long as they stick around.

It’s not like we really expected a high-class affair from these two, but it looks like the second wedding of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt was even tackier than predicted.

You would have thought the publicity-loving stars of “The Hills” could have bothered to read a book on wedding etiquette, but it’s doubtful they can read at all. TMZ dished that guests at the Speidi bash didn’t even have access to an open bar. While beer and wine were free, they were charged $10 for mixed drinks. Too bad they weren’t informed ahead of time so they could sneak in their own booze.

If having to pay for their own hard stuff wasn’t bad enough, the food was more suited to a free happy hour at the local bar than an overhyped wedding. The miniscule snacks included a tuna tartar dish and “chicken salad on a cracker.” Yummy! Wonder if they got them on sale at Sam’s Club?

The reception was scheduled to begin at 6 pm, but the doors didn’t even open until 7:30 and the guests of honor finally wandered in around 9 pm. Yep, Speidi’s a class act, all right. Maybe they were too busy shooting retakes, since the wedding was shot for the season finale of “The Hills.” Too bad the guests didn’t have a catering truck on the premises.

There will be a touch of sadness when Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say their vows tomorrow. Will it be because their loved ones won’t be there to share the moment with them? No, it’s much worse—they can’t find anyone willing to pony up for the wedding photos.

MSNBC reports the couple have failed to find one magazine willing to meet their price for exclusive photos of the nuptials, which will be filmed for the season finale of “The Hills.” Speidi will be forced to sell photos to several pubs if they expect to turn a tidy profit from tying the knot.

In Touch Editor in Chief Richard Spencer explained, “The total number that (Montag and Pratt) used to get from exclusive photos is down. It’s sometimes better to go all round with the deal and ensure you make money and get exposure, particularly when television shows are involved.”

You know times are hard when a couple of sweet kids like Spencer and Heidi can’t even whore out their wedding pictures anymore.

The wedding of “The Hills” pair Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag doesn’t happen until tomorrow, but they’re already annoying the hell out of folks who live near the site of the nuptials.

TMZ reports the pair have circulated a flyer requesting that residents of the Pasadena neighborhood around the church to sign a petition which would allow their film crew to shut down some streets and sidewalks. The flyer states Spencer and Heidi want No Parking signs on a strategic street “to discourage paparazzi from parking and hiding out in their cars.”

Yeah, sure. What that means is they want only photogs who pay them for access to get shots so no one can make money off their wedding except them—and the producers of “The Hills” who are filming it. Speidi better be happy the paps still want to bother with them, considering how they’ve whored themselves out already.

At least it will be over soon. But until spotlight-stealing pair Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag get legally wed Saturday, we’ll be treated to all the breathless tidbits we can expect from this event. E! revealed several details on the PR-ready extravaganza, so I’ve included a translation of what they really mean.

The Jewels: Heidi will be wearing jewels on loan from Neil Lane. We’re told they’ll worth close to $1 million total! She will get fitted for the jewels Friday before their wedding rehearsal dinner at Cut.

This means they’re borrowed and will go back to the jeweler as soon as the ceremony’s over. Lane will have a guard on duty to snatch them back before Heidi can conveniently “forget” she borrowed them.

The Dress: Heidi’s custom-made dress from Monique Lhuillier costs $19,000.

Paid for by MTV, unless that’s borrowed, too. If Heidi actually paid for it herself, it will be on eBay by the end of the year.

Guests: Just over 200 people are on guest list. Among the confirmed notables are singer Michael Bublé, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, Khloe Kardashian, Perez Hilton, music producers David Foster and Cathy Dennis (Heidi’s producer, who also did Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl”). Heidi’s entire family, including her mother, Darlene Egelhoff, who had previously shared her disapproval of the union, will be in attendance.

Everyone on this list either has had a reality show or wants one.

The Party: The wedding party is staying at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel in Beverly Hills, the site of Friday’s wedding rehearsal dinner and the wedding reception. The reception will be “intimate.” “Spencer and Heidi were going to have a reception on a rooftop location, but now they are asking guests to meet them at the sidebar at Cut after wedding ceremony,” an insider tells E! News. “They are not having a formal reception. Spencer just decided…He wanted it to be more intimate. He didn’t want a superhuge reception.”

He couldn’t find a venue that would do it free.

Honeymoon: The newlyweds won’t be leaving immediately, and there are “still a few destinations up in the air,” says a wedding insider. “At first, they thought Four Seasons in Maui. But now they are looking at Tahiti, Fiji, possibly Europe.”

The Four Seasons won’t do it for a mention on MTV so they’re still looking for a resort desperate for publicity.

The wedding can be viewed on the season finale of “The Hills.” The inevitable divorce can be viewed on an upcoming episode of “Jerry Springer.”

They’re not going to scale down their wedding or give up shopping, but the current economy has hit even Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of “The Hills.”

In an interview with LAist, Spencer bemoaned the cut in pay he’s had to take for showing up at events. “We definitely don’t receive a $100,000 to show up at nightclubs anymore. So that’s one huge life-changing difference. It makes me miss the old days, back when Paris Hilton and these fools were cashing in like a gold rush every year.”

Boo-hoo. People all over this country are losing their jobs and homes, but Spencer’s upset because he can’t get paid for doing nothing. With his talents, nothing is all he’ll be doing soon.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are moving forward towards a wedding that will actually be legal—they even got a license this time!

TMZ reports the happy couple were spotted at the Beverly Hills courthouse Wednesday, getting a real, official marriage license. Their second wedding is expected to take place in Pasadena, CA, on April 25 and will be featured on the season finale of “The Hills.” What a big surprise.

Cameras will also be rolling at the wedding rehearsal dinner the night before, which according to E!, will be at Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant Cut in Beverly Hills. Given the number of relatives and cast members these two have clashed with, you have to wonder who will actually show up.

Gee, we thought Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag always looked so giddy because they were in love!

The Star reports that “The Hills” pair were spotted in one of L.A.’s Farmacy stores just before closing on April 3. The normally camera-ready couple went incognito in jeans, tees and sunglasses. A witness said, “They were definitely trying not to be noticed.”

Why the secrecy? Probably because the Farmacy stores sell medical marijuana. You’re supposed to have a doctor’s prescription, but in L.A., it’s not hard to get one. 

Interestingly, their rep did not deny they bought pot, but claimed the couple were there for a Web-based reality show. Hey, whatever they got has to be healthier than anything Lindsay’s doing these days.

They claim it’s for real this time. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are planning another wedding for later this month—and, unlike their previous one last year in Mexico, this one may actually be legal.

E! News reports the publicity-hungry pair will wed in Pasadena, CA, on April 25. A source stated, “This will be the real wedding. It’s being filmed as the season finale for ‘The Hills.’” Of course, it will. Would these two do anything that wasn’t being filmed?

Heidi was spotted yesterday  at the Monique Lhuillier boutique in Los Angeles,  having her dress fitted. Hey, if you have a bunch of fake weddings, you get to buy a new dress for each one! Isn’t that what really matters?

You know it’s a dull day in West Hollywood when the paps are taking photos of these two maybe-weds. Famehos “The Hills” stars Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag staged a photo op on Melrose Ave. to remind us that the show’s on again, because most of us forgot to watch it last week. We’ll forget next week, too.

Has the stock of maybe-weds Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt sunk even lower? Page Six claims the pair were left to languish outside the velvet rope while their “The Hills” cast mates partied at Butter in NYC. A source reported “they were not allowed in. Heidi starting crying and making a scene at the rope and eventually gets let in. Butter didn’t even want them there. They are such jokes.” The overexposed couple finally were allowed in but left after an hour.  Please let their 15 minutes be up soon.

In the least-welcome news of the day, “married” couple Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have announced their intentions to spawn. Obviously the two have wrung the last drop of possible publicity out of their Mexican “wedding” and need something new to get them in the press. Pratt told KIIS radio host Ryan Seacrest, “We definitely need a kid ASAP.”

Yeah, they need a kid to keep the media wagon rolling. The season finale of “The Hills” airs tonight and they need a new gimmick. But a baby? Nine months from now, who’s till gonna care about these two?

A brief clip from the season finale of “The Hills” makes it look as though too-public lovebirds Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt had finally said their vows in a California court, but it was just acting. The pair, who “wed” in a tequila-fueled splash of publicity in Mexico last month, are no closer to being legally wed than they ever were. There are no records of the marriage in Los Angeles or Orange counties. The couple could get married in any county in the state but do you really see them having a quiet ceremony in Barstow? No way, if these two actually do the deed in Cali, it will be where they can milk it for even more PR. Of course, if they don’t really make it legal, it will make the divorce easier and cheaper.

Heidi Montag’s mom alleged that Spencer Pratt “drugged” her daughter in order to drag her to the altar but tonight’s ep of “The Hills” makes it look more like he plied her with tequila. US Weekly reveals that Heidi had argued with her family before Spencer popped the question—did Heidi elope to spite them? Stay tuned, because “The Hills” will keep milking this “marriage” as long as the ratings hold up.

Not everyone is living happily ever after since Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt tied the knot in Mexico. Heidi’s mom quickly vented her anger and her suspicion that her daughter had been drugged. But mom may be having second thoughts about making her feelings so public. Holly Montag told Hollyscoop.com about the maternal reaction to her sister’s surprise marriage.

“I think she got caught off guard because it was the first interview about the wedding when she had a lot of raw feelings and she kind of let loose about it…I think she’s kind of remorseful about what she said in retrospect. We all understand and everybody understands.”

Does that mean Speidi brought mum some really nice presents to make it up to her? BTW, has anyone seen that marriage license yet?

OK, we know these two will do anything for publicity but this is getting ridiculous. Questions are arising about whether Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s photo-op wedding was real or a hoax. Nearly a week after the alleged ceremony, here is no legal evidence that the two are married. The couple provided this statement to Us Weekly:

“We had a beautiful ceremony here at One and Only Palmilla officiated by a minister and photographed by the hotel photographer. We’ve never been happier. And, like other elopements that happen outside the country, we’ll take care of the legal details when we get home.”

But their publicist, Rick Rhodes, who must be the busiest flack in Hollywood with these two, claims to know nothing about the marriage. “I’m not privy to any of that information.If there was a wedding I wasn’t invited … Sorry!”

So we’re supposed to believe two people who can’t sneeze without sending a press release about it got married without notifying their publicist? 

The “surprise” elopement of camera-ready couple Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag may have caught their relatives off-guard but their castmates from “The Hills” seem to be taking the wedding pretty casually. Audina Patridge told People magzine:

“I am surprised and not surprised at the same time. They obviously adore each other and are very committed to one another. Heidi and Spencer seem like the types who would want a lavish wedding full of friends and family. I do think it’s very romantic that they eloped.”

Whitney Port gave her comment to Extra:

“Congratulations to them. I think it’s great if that’s what they’re ready to do. Good for them.”

Wonder if any of these “actors” will tell us what they really think?