Better Start Using Coupons, Paris

We caught up with Paris Hilton and her pup yesterday practicing how to use the Metro. Alright, I’m lying like a freakin’ rug, but anything is possible after the news we just heard today. It seems that Paris’ grandfather, Conrad, founder of the worldwide hotel chain, has earmarked 97% of his fortune (estimated at $2.3 billion) to charity. That’s right ladies and gents - most of his fortune will be going to the Conrad N. Hilton Foundation, which aims to help the homeless with housing and other charitable causes around the world. This means that Paris, who was expected to inherit $100 million prior to this announcement, will probably only receive $5 million. I’m probably not alone in assuming that you don’t feel sorry for her. $5 million is still a whole lot of money, but that’s coming from a regular person’s perspective. I’m sure Paris can spend that whole amount with her eyes closed. Don’t worry, Paris, you’ll be fine. You can sign up at ITT Tech and get a computer science degree or something. Or you can join the Peace Corps. The options are endless. And Paris - you are a butterfly smoldering out of your cocoon. You will soon fly free. And yes, I will shut up now.