“The Hills” star Heidi Montag was conspicuously absent from sis Holly’s birthday party at Hollywood hotspot Empire on Saturday, but not because she had pressing career business that evening. The more famous Montag was invited to the soiree, but refused to show because her sibling refused to pay for her presence!

A source dished to Fox News, “Holly was really wishing that her sister could just be a sister and stop by her birthday party, but Heidi only goes places if she is getting paid. I mean, this is her sister and she wouldn’t even show up without a fee. That’s disgusting.”

Yes, but not surprising from half of Speidi, Inc. Too bad Mr. and Mrs. Spencer Pratt didn’t make the bash, since another of their relatives could have used a ride home.

It’s a relief to hear that newlyweds Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are already having problems in the bedroom, because the last thing we need is a Speidi spawn.

When the pair appeared on “The View” today, Pratt revealed he’s been avoiding sex with his wife because he’s afraid she’ll get pregnant. Aren’t there better ways to do that?  Pratt claimed, “She [says] she is not going to tell me she is going to go off her birth control.”

Wifey Heidi stated she wanted babies “sooner than later,” because “My mom was a young mom,” despite her husband’s insistence that he doesn’t want any. Of course, given Spencer’s level of maturity, he wants to be the pampered baby in this relationship.

So are “The Hills” stars Spencer and Heidi Pratt still on NBC’s wretched reality trainwreck ”I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!“—or not? At this point, it’s doubtful even they know.

On last night’s series debut, the pair acted like total delusional brats, threatening to walk off at least twice. This morning, sources were reporting that the couple had bolted the show and were headed back to L.A. from Costa Rica. 

This afternoon, stories are coming in that the obnoxious newlyweds have had a change of heart, and will return to the series. But will the suits at NBC buy into their drama and take them back? We hope not—but their relieved castmates must be hoping even more that Spencer and Heidi are gone for good.

The least-anticipated show of the summer makes its debut tonight at 8 pm. In case you’ve been trying to forget, 11 D-list famehos celebrities will fight to extend their 15 minutes on the NBC series “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!”

NBC tried to make the motley group of had-beens and never-weres sound interesting with this tidbit from their press release: 

Heading into the jungle to compete in the wild are: actor Stephen Baldwin (”The Usual Suspects”), Patti Blagojevich (wife of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich), supermodel and television star Janice Dickinson (”America’s Next Top Model,” “The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency”), multi-talented actor Lou Diamond Phillips (”La Bamba,” “Stand and Deliver”), 2007 “American Idol” contestant Sanjaya Malakar, Spencer and Heidi Pratt (stars of MTV’s “The Hills”), NBA great and television personality John Salley (”Best Damn Sports Show Period”), WWE wrestler and beauty queen Torrie Wilson — and comedy duo (and real life best friends) Frances Callier and Angela V. Shelton, also known as “Frangela.”

With this list, it’s not so much a question of who you’d like to have win, but rather which one you’d rather see get eaten by a wild animal, or develop an incurable case of jungle rot. Since there are reports that Speidi have already tried to quit twice in two days, the pair don’t seem likely to make it to the finals. But they should be good for a few laughs as long as they stick around.

Taking a cue from Jessica Simpson, Heidi Montag of “The Hills” is the latest starlet to put her name on a line of swimwear.

People reports the newlywed reality “actress” has partnered with swimsuit designer Ashley Paige for a new line of bikinis set to debut next week, just in time for summer. Six styles will be available on AshleyPaige.com June 1, with the rest of the collection being shown during Miami Fashion Week in July.

How do you “design” a bikini, anyway? How creative can you really get with a few inches of fabric? 

Most new brides won’t be getting naked for anyone except their new spouses, but Heidi Montag can’t keep anything private.

E! News reports the media-loving newlywed will celebrate her marriage to Spencer Pratt by appearing on the July/August cover of Playboy magazine. Sources claim “The Hills” star will keep her naughty bits discreetly covered on the accompanying layout.

I have this horrible vision of Heidi dressed (barely) in a bridal Halloween costume from Frederick’s of Hollywood. Although dollar bills glued over the offending areas would be more appropriate.

It’s not like we really expected a high-class affair from these two, but it looks like the second wedding of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt was even tackier than predicted.

You would have thought the publicity-loving stars of “The Hills” could have bothered to read a book on wedding etiquette, but it’s doubtful they can read at all. TMZ dished that guests at the Speidi bash didn’t even have access to an open bar. While beer and wine were free, they were charged $10 for mixed drinks. Too bad they weren’t informed ahead of time so they could sneak in their own booze.

If having to pay for their own hard stuff wasn’t bad enough, the food was more suited to a free happy hour at the local bar than an overhyped wedding. The miniscule snacks included a tuna tartar dish and “chicken salad on a cracker.” Yummy! Wonder if they got them on sale at Sam’s Club?

The reception was scheduled to begin at 6 pm, but the doors didn’t even open until 7:30 and the guests of honor finally wandered in around 9 pm. Yep, Speidi’s a class act, all right. Maybe they were too busy shooting retakes, since the wedding was shot for the season finale of “The Hills.” Too bad the guests didn’t have a catering truck on the premises.

There will be a touch of sadness when Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say their vows tomorrow. Will it be because their loved ones won’t be there to share the moment with them? No, it’s much worse—they can’t find anyone willing to pony up for the wedding photos.

MSNBC reports the couple have failed to find one magazine willing to meet their price for exclusive photos of the nuptials, which will be filmed for the season finale of “The Hills.” Speidi will be forced to sell photos to several pubs if they expect to turn a tidy profit from tying the knot.

In Touch Editor in Chief Richard Spencer explained, “The total number that (Montag and Pratt) used to get from exclusive photos is down. It’s sometimes better to go all round with the deal and ensure you make money and get exposure, particularly when television shows are involved.”

You know times are hard when a couple of sweet kids like Spencer and Heidi can’t even whore out their wedding pictures anymore.

The wedding of “The Hills” pair Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag doesn’t happen until tomorrow, but they’re already annoying the hell out of folks who live near the site of the nuptials.

TMZ reports the pair have circulated a flyer requesting that residents of the Pasadena neighborhood around the church to sign a petition which would allow their film crew to shut down some streets and sidewalks. The flyer states Spencer and Heidi want No Parking signs on a strategic street “to discourage paparazzi from parking and hiding out in their cars.”

Yeah, sure. What that means is they want only photogs who pay them for access to get shots so no one can make money off their wedding except them—and the producers of “The Hills” who are filming it. Speidi better be happy the paps still want to bother with them, considering how they’ve whored themselves out already.

At least it will be over soon. But until spotlight-stealing pair Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag get legally wed Saturday, we’ll be treated to all the breathless tidbits we can expect from this event. E! revealed several details on the PR-ready extravaganza, so I’ve included a translation of what they really mean.

The Jewels: Heidi will be wearing jewels on loan from Neil Lane. We’re told they’ll worth close to $1 million total! She will get fitted for the jewels Friday before their wedding rehearsal dinner at Cut.

This means they’re borrowed and will go back to the jeweler as soon as the ceremony’s over. Lane will have a guard on duty to snatch them back before Heidi can conveniently “forget” she borrowed them.

The Dress: Heidi’s custom-made dress from Monique Lhuillier costs $19,000.

Paid for by MTV, unless that’s borrowed, too. If Heidi actually paid for it herself, it will be on eBay by the end of the year.

Guests: Just over 200 people are on guest list. Among the confirmed notables are singer Michael Bublé, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, Khloe Kardashian, Perez Hilton, music producers David Foster and Cathy Dennis (Heidi’s producer, who also did Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl”). Heidi’s entire family, including her mother, Darlene Egelhoff, who had previously shared her disapproval of the union, will be in attendance.

Everyone on this list either has had a reality show or wants one.

The Party: The wedding party is staying at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel in Beverly Hills, the site of Friday’s wedding rehearsal dinner and the wedding reception. The reception will be “intimate.” “Spencer and Heidi were going to have a reception on a rooftop location, but now they are asking guests to meet them at the sidebar at Cut after wedding ceremony,” an insider tells E! News. “They are not having a formal reception. Spencer just decided…He wanted it to be more intimate. He didn’t want a superhuge reception.”

He couldn’t find a venue that would do it free.

Honeymoon: The newlyweds won’t be leaving immediately, and there are “still a few destinations up in the air,” says a wedding insider. “At first, they thought Four Seasons in Maui. But now they are looking at Tahiti, Fiji, possibly Europe.”

The Four Seasons won’t do it for a mention on MTV so they’re still looking for a resort desperate for publicity.

The wedding can be viewed on the season finale of “The Hills.” The inevitable divorce can be viewed on an upcoming episode of “Jerry Springer.”

They’re not going to scale down their wedding or give up shopping, but the current economy has hit even Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of “The Hills.”

In an interview with LAist, Spencer bemoaned the cut in pay he’s had to take for showing up at events. “We definitely don’t receive a $100,000 to show up at nightclubs anymore. So that’s one huge life-changing difference. It makes me miss the old days, back when Paris Hilton and these fools were cashing in like a gold rush every year.”

Boo-hoo. People all over this country are losing their jobs and homes, but Spencer’s upset because he can’t get paid for doing nothing. With his talents, nothing is all he’ll be doing soon.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are moving forward towards a wedding that will actually be legal—they even got a license this time!

TMZ reports the happy couple were spotted at the Beverly Hills courthouse Wednesday, getting a real, official marriage license. Their second wedding is expected to take place in Pasadena, CA, on April 25 and will be featured on the season finale of “The Hills.” What a big surprise.

Cameras will also be rolling at the wedding rehearsal dinner the night before, which according to E!, will be at Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant Cut in Beverly Hills. Given the number of relatives and cast members these two have clashed with, you have to wonder who will actually show up.

Word is coming out on the next set of D-listers who will be competing on NBC ’s summer reality show, ”I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!”—and it isn’t pretty. 

OK! reports the group set to slug it out in the jungles of Costa Rica include racist Duane “Dog the Bounty Hunter” Chapman, “The Hills” famehos Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, crooked former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, “American Idol” loser Sanjaya Malakar and geriatric supermodel Janice Dickinson. Also rumored to be joining them is Fox News camera hog Geraldo Rivera, but his rep denies it.

Is NBC going to hire anyone even mildly sympathetic for this crapfest? Looking at the cast so far, I hope none of them make it out of the jungle alive. The only way I’ll watch is if one of them gets swallowed alive by a giant boa constrictor and they get it all on film.

In an effort to extend his 15 minutes, Spencer Pratt of “The Hills” has announced his plans for a future career—in politics!

Spencer told PopSugar, “Definitely running. Don’t know if I’ll be getting elected any time in the next century or so. But definitely going after mayor of LA and at least governor, but I’ll prob stop at governor.

“I mean if people were really pushing for me [to run for president] at that point, I’ll probably have to step into that role. That pressure may be a little much.

“I’ll start with California because I love California so much, that I could have that passion for my state and my birthplace.”

Yeah, sure. The only state where this no-talent is going to get elected to anything is the state of delusion in his mind.

They claim it’s for real this time. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are planning another wedding for later this month—and, unlike their previous one last year in Mexico, this one may actually be legal.

E! News reports the publicity-hungry pair will wed in Pasadena, CA, on April 25. A source stated, “This will be the real wedding. It’s being filmed as the season finale for ‘The Hills.’” Of course, it will. Would these two do anything that wasn’t being filmed?

Heidi was spotted yesterday  at the Monique Lhuillier boutique in Los Angeles,  having her dress fitted. Hey, if you have a bunch of fake weddings, you get to buy a new dress for each one! Isn’t that what really matters?

You know it’s a dull day in West Hollywood when the paps are taking photos of these two maybe-weds. Famehos “The Hills” stars Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag staged a photo op on Melrose Ave. to remind us that the show’s on again, because most of us forgot to watch it last week. We’ll forget next week, too.

In the least-welcome news of the day, “married” couple Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have announced their intentions to spawn. Obviously the two have wrung the last drop of possible publicity out of their Mexican “wedding” and need something new to get them in the press. Pratt told KIIS radio host Ryan Seacrest, “We definitely need a kid ASAP.”

Yeah, they need a kid to keep the media wagon rolling. The season finale of “The Hills” airs tonight and they need a new gimmick. But a baby? Nine months from now, who’s till gonna care about these two?

A brief clip from the season finale of “The Hills” makes it look as though too-public lovebirds Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt had finally said their vows in a California court, but it was just acting. The pair, who “wed” in a tequila-fueled splash of publicity in Mexico last month, are no closer to being legally wed than they ever were. There are no records of the marriage in Los Angeles or Orange counties. The couple could get married in any county in the state but do you really see them having a quiet ceremony in Barstow? No way, if these two actually do the deed in Cali, it will be where they can milk it for even more PR. Of course, if they don’t really make it legal, it will make the divorce easier and cheaper.

Heidi Montag’s mom alleged that Spencer Pratt “drugged” her daughter in order to drag her to the altar but tonight’s ep of “The Hills” makes it look more like he plied her with tequila. US Weekly reveals that Heidi had argued with her family before Spencer popped the question—did Heidi elope to spite them? Stay tuned, because “The Hills” will keep milking this “marriage” as long as the ratings hold up.